I finally get it. I finally understand what all those people meant when they said that there were not enough hours in the day. Don't get me wrong, I've felt swamped before. But usually that simply meant that I hadn't managed to do absolutely everything on my wish list.
Now, after 5 months of single-motherhood, I really do get it. If only I could put an extra 3 hours into each day I could get caught up. I could hang up the clean laundry, I could chase up the dust bunnies, I could do everything that I used to do without thinking of it.
These days I have to make choices. Working full time is a no brainer, so is "doing the mommy thing" and spending quality time with Sarah - those things will always get done. It's the cleaning, cooking, shopping (yeah I skipped out on that kinda this weekend) and of course the finding time to just relax; those are the things that slip by.
I figured out that, unless I want to drive myself crazy from trying to do the impossible, I have to make choices. For the longest time I was very far down on my own priority list. Very very far down that list. But I've come to realise that that just wont work. We each need to nurture ourselves, even if its only 30 minutes a day, but we need to take that time to remind ourselves that we have value and are worth time and attention. It's by valuing ourselves that we send the message to others that we are of value.
So tonight its dinner from the freezer, dishes in the sink and a few hours of reading stories and girls pedicures.
Taking care of ourselves goes way beyond the day to day though. It's a common sight for mothers to put their own desires last. I've had a wish list of things I want for years. There was always something else for someone else that had to be done first for whatever reason. But there does come a time when you have to step up and say "my turn." If you don't do that you are just asking for resentment to build in your heart. Life is too short and too precious for that.
For the past 3 years I have wanted to get another tattoo. Now they are expensive, they are a luxury not a necessity, and for the longest time I couldn't make my mind up about exactly what design I wanted. I knew I wanted something that would represent my heritage and my life views. I kicked around the idea of a green man. But it finally struck me yesterday what would be perfect... the tree of life. I'd like the roots and branches to be portrayed as Celtic knots and it to be placed in the center of my back, the top curving up between my shoulder blades. I guess I'm pretty lucky to live where I do as our local tattoo studio has won several awards for their work and been published all over the place. I've seen the work they have done on many of my friends and I am really impressed. Right now I am just waiting on some things to fall into place before I can move ahead. Waiting for some people to get back to me etc etc etc. I am hoping to put this together for October as a birthday present to myself. I really hope I get to do this thing just for myself.
Above is a picture of the original tapestry from which I got the idea. I'm planning to ask the artist to take the concept and design something around the theme. Make it an originally piece designed to fit my back. Something specially for me.
I've realised that it's crazy to expect other people to treat us as if we have value if we do not treat ourselves that way. We can't change anyone else, but we can change ourselves and we should lead by example. I also believe that during our lives we each periodically come to metaphorical crossroads. At these points things happen which force us to take a good long look at ourselves, or we meet a person who inspires us. Things push us to the point where our comfortable habit of burying our heads in the sand is no longer an option for us. Our comfort zones are no longer a safe heaven and we must make changes. I've recently reached that stage. But the strange thing is that, after a lot of tears, I am actually feeling much better about myself. Much better than I have felt about myself for a number of years. I feel like somewhere in the list of mother, wife, daughter, employee, I lost myself. But somewhere in the middle of the tears and heartache of these past few months I somehow managed to find myself. And for the first time in a very long time - I like the person I see in the mirror again.
